I’ve spent the last few years thinking about a new venture. I think it would be very successful, a business I could start that could help me to earn my own income without depending on outside sources. My own business. It wouldn’t take a huge amount of capital to start, but it would take a lot of my spare time.
I’m not one of those glamorous bloggers who get to sit at home all day and collect on their passive income. I work full time, five days a week. I hate it. If I could quit tomorrow I would. Some may argue that the best way for me to swim (or sink) would be to quit and start this venture full throttle. Although I would love to be able to do this I also need to factor in the other people who rely on me to support them.
For instance, my husband who is bipolar and often unable to work. My sister who is although capable of working is unable to hold a job, and well let’s just say I’d rather not get into that. And my mother who also lives with me and has been unable to work for a couple years now due to a physical issue. That makes three dependants. Not to mention my four dogs and cat (yes I’m a wee bit crazy).
Now, I make it, I have enough money to pay my bills and a bit at the end of the week for fun and savings. I don’t live well but I live within my means and am mostly comfortable. But still my dream would be to own my own business and in doing so I would like to either help others with my business or it be the step off point to becoming something that could help others. Especially children. I would love to be able to start some kind of charity for children, especially those who suffer from some kind of illness.
Being a childhood cancer survivor I know what it was like to go to school and have people look at you like you’re the disease. To have people talk about you in the wash rooms while you were in the stall listening to them say you were ‘faking it’ to get attention. To just not feel normal.
I was also one of the lucky few who got to experience times where I did feel completely normal. Like going to Camp Quality. A great camp for children who have cancer or are in remission to go and just be kids. I also received a wish from the Make a Wish Foundation, allowing my family to take a trip.
I may be getting off track here. I think it all has a point though, well maybe …
As I was saying I have an idea, I just don’t have the time to do it. Or so I like to tell myself. The truth is if we want something bad enough we can find the time. My problem has always been not wanting to let go of other commitments in order to do so.
For those who don’t know I happen to be somewhat graphically inclined. Until December of last year I owned a graphic membership site. I mostly worked with pixel graphics, though I also like to create vectors and vexels, and have recently started to dabble in sketching. I owned this site for ten years. Over that time I made a steady bit of money, though I never became ‘rich’ from this endeavour, it was more a labour of love.
Then it wasn’t.
I found myself dreading any time put aside to work on my computer. I hated the idea of having to create another cute bear or adorable doll. I stopped doing custom work because I just couldn’t make myself do it any more, even though it was my main source of income. The harder I worked the more money I made, which I liked, but after 10 years I no longer loved what I was doing and suffered a serous burn out.
This didn’t all come at once. I would go through spouts of melancholia which would last a day or week or sometimes more. It wasn’t until last year that I just couldn’t take it and announced that I would be closing my site December 31st.
I woke up January 1st and felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had the pressure of having to update or create. It helped me to actually become even more creative, I’m not drawing daily and loving it, I’ve also started a novel. And finally, without the time I had to devote to my site I was able to start my new idea. It’s still in the beginning phase but I’m confident in my idea and my ability to make it work. And I’m excited to see what will come of it. I think I will be able to bring a smile to every child’s face and that’s my life time goal. I believe no matter what a child has to face they should always be able to stay a child.
I Let Go.
It was hard, and it hurt but I finally let go of my old site and have been able to move on with a new venture that I feel confident about and thrilled to begin.
Letting go of something, whether it’s a relationship, job, or habit is usually a painful experience. Even after the fact when you can see the benefits of having let go you can still be stuck with the guilt.
I’ve started this letting go series with a personal story because it was something that was bothering me and I wanted to get it out, and this blog is a good place to do it. But also because I will be working through this phase as I go. I know how to wake up early, I know the principles behind self discipline and try my best to implement them in my daily life and I know how to, and do meditate often. This series is going to be less about me sharing information with my readers and more about me working through my letting go process as well and hopefully helping you to do the same.